How does arugula taste like how a nail salon smells and I still enjoy it...
“I can’t tell the difference between the sound of fireworks, gun shots or a car backfire.” “What’s your zip code?”
Palm tree dance battle. Just go with it...
No, I’m not laying on the ground.
I’m gonna choose to see this car as half nakey. Not sure if that’s the optimistic view or not, but I’m going with it.
I watch Below Deck because that’s the closest I’ll ever get to being on a yacht.
Soooo.... I kinda love palm trees 💕🌴💕
You know when you pass by someone and they smell like fresh laundry so now you’re trying to follow them home
Does refilling and carrying the Brita pitcher across the room 8 times a day count as working out?
If you make me laugh hard enough a random bystander will ask if anyone else just heard a pterodactyl.
Yeah superheroes are cool n all, but you ever see a guy risking his face on a mountain bike
Bug n’ boxes
The amount of caffeine I’ve had today should be some sort of record. 🤔
*falls in love with yet another celebrity* “How did I let this happen...”
Sure I believe in miracles, I put a jacket on the other day and it had a red starburst in the pocket.
Pedestrians get in the way.
If my mom is asking too many questions about things I should be doing, I hit her with the “You can’t handle the truth!”